The news in Maine about former senate candidate Graham Platner inspires this blog. It seems there are skeletons in his closet that have been exposed by allegations. I’m not judging him nor the people alleging the charges. I don’t know much about this issue other than what I wrote. What this news did to me was pretty simple. What have I done or inadvertently done in my past that harmed someone? This has me reflecting and examining everything from my past. Let’s just say… I am not very proud of myself for my failures or mistakes. I’m just going to own them…

I have been afforded a lot of privilege within my life, where mistakes of ignorance, youth, or trauma have not prevented me from doing a lot of the things that I have wished to do. I recognize this free and clear. I feel there are many instances prior to my 48th birthday that would not stand up to scrutiny if placed under my magnifying glass. All I can do is apologize and ask for forgiveness.

Do I have excuses for this behavior? I would not call them excuses. I would call these behaviors the results of a brain operating incorrectly. Self destruction (alcohol) and loathing (severe depression by trauma or PTSD) do not create a person who is capable of making the greatest decisions or building healthy relationships. There were moments of greatness, but these were far and few between as self-sabotage was always right there to snap things in two. All I can do is apologize and ask for forgiveness.

Musical practice enabled me to live most of my adult life. I worked all of the time. The work was never finished. It was the only thing propelling me forward prior to my 48th year. How many people did I hurt or harm as I pursued the highest standards of excellence from my bands both youth and adult? What comments did I make that were unforgivable, narcissistic, or self serving to achieve a means to and end? All I can do is apologize and ask for forgiveness.

My relationships with a small group of family and friends has prospered. I have cut my circle pretty small, out of a need to protect my mental health. This meant severing or distancing relationships with family members, friends, colleagues, and acquaintances whose behaviors are diametrically opposite of what I am trying to achieve to heal my traumatized brain. I care, but I don’t feel they care about me unless I am sharing in their functions. I’m sorry, all I can do is ask for forgiveness.

My career has shifted, partly due to hearing issues, but mostly due to a desire to balance my life between music and the rest of life. I worked two careers for 25+ years, and it damn near killed me. My career was my identity. My identity was my career. I cherish the music I made with many people. I just can’t do that anymore. I need to find that peace within me. I’m sorry, may I have your forgiveness.

As I reflect on Platner’s demise, I feel a pain of regret… Not for him, but for the people around me who may have suffered by my action or inaction. Understanding my privilege as a white male since 2015 makes me cringe as I reflect on my dysfunctional earlier life. I apologize, may I have your forgiveness.

….so it goes… …soeg ti os…

reflection…noitcelfer