Conformity as defined by the Merriam-Webster dictionary is: in form, manner, or character: agreement.

I dislike or dissent with conformity in almost anything. I prefer terms like consensus, collaboration, and creatively unique. Why do we have to be in agreement? When disagreements are key to achieving consensus on a medium or mean statistically… …of learning something new or different… experiencing the vast diversity around us… why conform? I want to elaborate on this and ramble a bit.

When you are in school, there is great peer pressure to conform to the idea of the cultural normal. To fit in. This pressure is suffocating. Students who express themselves uniquely tend to be labeled troublemakers, or oddballs. Students who dress all in black, listen to darker musical styles, and generally avoid any emotions beyond the brooding ones tend to sit by themselves and look as if they are going to burn down something… They get evicted from the island of conformity. I’ve known many students like this over the years. I have included them in my musical community. They are incredibly creative, artistic, and empathetic people. The costume is a shield. It’s protection. I myself wear a lot of black. For me it is a symbol of protest… against oppression… I find it is a powerful communicator. Whether one is considered emo or gothic is silly. Just be yourself… The color black is powerful. Embrace it… Embrace yourself…

The popular sect or the clique I like to call it are the conformers. These are the people that dress fashionably, gossip about what they do not understand, listen to the same dull forms of popular music, read the same books, blogs, or podcasts, or essentially behave as if they are lemmings to fit in with that “in” crowd. It is a cult of personality, or superficiality. I find this segment of the population boring. I don’t have any use for their popularity, nor do I have any use for their culture of sameness. Society does not move forward humanistically if we all embrace the same things. Their speech is a vernacular of dullness. “Amazing” “Fantastic” “Awesome” “Supercool” Meanwhile I find the whole lot of them unctuous with their overuse of hair gel and spray…

The music and art room in a school, or the drama department I found to be the most democratic place in the building as a student. I strive to make my room the most democratic as well. These creative spaces allowed every student who entered into them to be their unique selves. It was where you could see a preppy student athlete create a friendship with a gothic kid while sharing a stand in the 2nd clarinet section. This was the room where the gay kid could find a loving and acceptable environment to be themselves. In the rest of the building that person had to hide in plain sight to avoid abuse from the conformers. In an artistic space they could let the shields down and embrace themselves. The only conformity you would see in these spaces was the musicians, actors, and singers collaborating to create something bigger than themselves. In the art room the expression was unique and transcended mediums. Lack of conformity is embraced here. Uniqueness teaches us different ways to observe or embrace ideas beyond our comprehension.

I remember the first time I went to a drag show. I was in Key West, Florida enjoying all things art, music, food, and drink with my wife (now ex-wife.) I have never felt so out of place. I was a stranger in the drag queen’s club. I was ordinary to their extraordinary. I was the odd one out, not the other way around. Once I got the lay of the land within the club and with the performers I became more comfortable. Many of the ladies would come around with a basket seeking tips, and make small talk to us lame customers after their performances. Once you see the humanity on display within the costume you begin to empathize with the person’s identity and display of confidence. I was a Mr. Ordinary in a room full of bright and beautiful drag queens. No one hit on me. No one made me feel like an object. I was appreciated for experiencing the best versions of themselves, and if I tipped well… all the better. Their nonconformity was beautiful.

When I was a theist, I remember how awkward it felt entering into the church. If I was performing as a musician wearing black and seated in the choir loft it was just another gig. If I was in the congregation, and I was new or wasn’t dressed like all of the other men it felt like an exercise in nonconformity. Passive-aggressive conformity exists in a church sanctuary. Everyone is supposed to believe and feel the same way in that fake two-dimensional way. The fake or disingenuous smiles, and the nodding heads while the clergy deliver their hell-fire and brimstone sermons in order to steal your money in an offering plate. The older I got the more my nonconformity seemed obvious. I found their religious role-playing to be awkward and sanctimonious.

Does it hurt anyone to be different? No. Is it okay to be friends, colleagues, or professionally acquainted with people of unique differences? Yes. I like those people who are the square pegs that don’t fit into the round holes. I don’t like people who persecute or gossip about others who don’t fit their mode of sameness. Why can’t we find our shared humanity within our differences? Why do we have to segregate one another in the preverbal lunch rooms around the world? Why can’t we intermingle and embrace the connections that unite us? So what if the lady six cubicles down likes to wear a tail and imagines she is a golden retriever. If I can have a spirit animal, why can’t she play golden retriever? Is she hurting anyone? Is she happy with her tail? Celebrate the differences.

The conformity of politics within the USA, because of the cult of party politics needs to go. We need to build consensus not force sameness on one another. I am reminded of the Dave Matthews Band concert I attended in 2025. People from all over the world, different beliefs, economic tiers, politics, families, partiers, sober people like me… …we all talked to one another because of a love of the Dave Matthews Band musical experience. 20,000 people in that audience and I felt completely comfortable just being me, with others who were also just being themselves. Our consensus was to celebrate the music, and forget about the world around us. Our differences were embraced. Our concert goals were celebrated. We sang together as one.

Conformity will be the death of our human civilization. Embrace what you don’t know or understand. Learn how to communicate and build consensus. See others for who they are rather than for how they are different… Stop embracing sameness…

…so it goes…