Today I wish to write about nothing substantial. I didn’t realize 33 blogs ago that I had this much to write about. It just feels so good to create something, anything, or nothing all at once. Unctuous is a favorite word of mine. I like the sound of it as I speak it. It has three “U”‘s in it. The word defines itself, almost. Today, I present a blog about nothing. Hopefully it won’t stick.

Unctuous has two definitions. Both are adjectives. The first (of a Person) excessively or ingratiatingly flattering; oily. The second (chiefly of minerals) having a greasy or soapy feel. One can almost hear or feel that oily, greasy, soapy, and lubricated sensation as the word is pronounced. If you extend the vowels the magic really happens. Uuunc-tuuuuuuu-ouuuuuusss.

I don’t remember the first time I came across the word. I’m sure I was reading a novel of some sort. I don’t think it was Vonnegut or Bryson. It might have been Cormac McCarthy, Bret Easton Ellis, Chuck Palahniuk, or some other post-modern author that I’ve regularly read over the past 20 or so years. Their dystopian developments really capture the negative angst of humanity in the way unctuousness describes some turn of the century hair styles.

The word doesn’t really get used much in my daily conversations. What or how would I use it in teaching? I could see myself using the word in jazz. Play that phrase unctuously… as in slide around the notes. Describing someone as unctuous would be disrespectful, even though my sons look a little unctuous when they are done working on an engine or welding pipes together. Their unctuousness is a product of the work, not their actual self, following a good shower.

When the term unctuous comes up, I always think of Matthew McConaughey. No disrespect towards the actor, but his hair looks a bit oily and his speaking delivery has that Southern stick to it. He just has an ability to linger on all of the consonants. He has made a great living as an artist with that style of delivery. I’m not his biggest fan, but his work in Interstellar was superb. I finally watched it about a year ago, and I was stunned by the quality of the film and his acting. His unctuous delivery fit the symbolism of humanity trying to slide from one planet to the next for survival of the species. One could even say that my perception of the film will stick with me forever…

What if unctuous was a proper noun? Like a title or name for something. In my mind Unctuous would be an excellent name for a heavy metal band. It would be even better name for a hair metal band from the 1980’s and 90’s. Imagine the leather jackets and pants all decked out in metal studs, greasy long hair, motorbike leather helmets, and guitars with necks and tuning heads that looked like an oil funnel. This would be a great name for a rival band of Spinal Tap. They could sing songs like Sticky Sweet, Lube your Chassis, and Butter You Up. Can you imagine the number of double entendre’s the band could use? This would make the ladies of the Parents Resource Music Center lobby of the 1980’s gasp in horror.

If I had the skills to play bass guitar in a heavy metal band made up of experienced old men like me, we could have a blast making the kids shake their head at our inappropriateness. Imagine how the Christian Nationalists would perceive us…. Could it be as worshippers of the synthetic oil bottle? Sorry, just being silly.

Unctuous is a good way to describe our mastiffs while they chew on their bones. The immense amount of slobber that descends off their jowls leaves an unctuous residue on everything they touch after chewing on that bone. Clothes, rugs, furniture, and towels all end up dripping in the gallons of unctuous slobber from their hanging jowls. It is such a gross image, but fitting in a way.

Thank you for reading my ode about nothing, or something for the word unctuous. It seemed fitting for a Saturday to write a Seinfeldesque treatment for an ill-fitting word within the English language. It kind of reminds me of Mother Tongue by Bill Bryson. This was a fascinating little book about the origins of words in the English language. It is a wonderful tome, and that reminds me that he has released a new book for me to read…

Have a great day, and please please please avoid those unctuous situations that will stick with you forever…