I Dissent (and other ramblings)

Losing my Religion

By

Mark Bressler

It is Sunday. A name derived by the Romans. A day many go visit a sanctuary or cathedral to worship their idea of what the one true God is. I don’t attend a church. I haven’t for long time. Like R.E.M. I lost my religion and I’m okay with that. I’ll give you the story of how I walked away and why. Here is a preview: Christian Nationalism.

Many years ago, I was sitting in the congregation of the church I was confirmed into. This church was a Lutheran Missouri Synod Church. My first cousin was having difficulties with her unborn baby which caused me great concern for both of them. No worries here as everything worked out marvelously for all of them. During the sermon the Pastor went on this long diatribe about abortion. I was about 16 or 17 at the time. I remember feeling incredibly angry that he was condemning women. It wasn’t in the spirit of Christ or Martin Luther. Condemning a woman for sinning with no forgiveness or absolution. Seemed hypocritical to me. Then it dawned on me that he (pastor) didn’t believe in the separation of church and state. Well anyway, I got up and walked out and went home. My parents were not pleased with my decision making, but my father listened to my rationale for leaving and he supported my decision.

In my latter 20’s I reconnected with the LCMS church as I was lost and seeking connection with something or anything. I got involved with the choir, bible class, and even with governance as the youngest board member on our council. I worked with the music and youth boards. I even played my instruments at church. I enjoyed having that connection, until I drove by the church and saw thousands of crosses and a banner saying in memory of those unborn babies lost today or some such thing. The Catholic Church had this protest up for weeks. I was infuriated that they chose to do that, “No Forgiveness Offered Here” thing. A week later this is at my church?!?!? Why?? I turned around and confronted the pastor. He said that the board of elders president and he made the decision to do it. I asked about consulting other members of the board. I got some flack for dare questioning their decision. You see we were trying to attract younger people to congregation. The average age was mid 40’s. Anyway, I told him the protest was saying, “No Forgiveness Offered Here” to every woman. He gave me another useless rationale. I simply said, you are drawing a line between governance and faith that needs not be drawn, and I walked out… Never to return… I did not resign my membership nor from the boards I had been elected to.

After several years of not attending I moved to a new community, and I received a letter from the pastor asking me to transfer my membership to another LCMS church. I didn’t. Three years later I got a letter from the LCMS offices in Missouri informing me that my membership in the church had been revoked. I had been excommunicated from the LCMS, for protesting their abortion stance. OK, no problem. Over the years I performed music in hundreds of churches for weddings, holidays, celebrations of all sorts. I never stepped foot in an LCMS church until my father’s memorial service. It was the same church I walked out of when I was a teenager. I have never felt so uncomfortable in a church. Sorry Dad! I just don’t feel right practicing a faith with people that aren’t following in the footsteps of those metaphors…

Since my father’s passing I have avoided being in churches as much as possible. I have left Christianity behind, even though I’ve owned seven bibles, read the works several times cover to cover, and given endless thought about my faith. I found myself identifying with Kurt Vonnegut on a shared pessimistic humanism. His words resonated with me. I have no grief with anyone pursuing their faith: Jewish, Islamic, Christian, Hindu, Taoism, Buddhism… I just feel my faith does not need the congregation anymore. The leaders of the congregation are corrupted. Not all, just most of them by Nationalism and a lack of grace. I feel sad for the sheep that think that this is the way.

I still read the bible (the academic one I got as an undergraduate for a World Religions class) occasionally to refresh my memory on things. I recently received a Quran. I want to read that too. I want to understand how the Islamic people approach their faith. As a humanist it is important to me to understand rather than judge, whereas the Christian Nationalist wants to judge rather than understand. I apologize, I am not trying to sound pious or arrogant. I’m just tired of the hypocrisy within religion.

Faith is a journey for the individual, and politicizing that faith does not serve the faithful in a healthy way. This type of religious extremism (Nationalism,) is something I dissent with. I sincerely hope if you are on a personal journey of faith that you can find a path of healthiness within that journey. Mine has always been one of frustration with the people rather than the prophet. Losing my religion is a choice I do not regret. May your journey in faith be less convoluted… On it goes…

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One response to “Losing my Religion”

  1. Craig McClenahan Avatar
    Craig McClenahan

    Losing one’s religion is not a bad thing. My resentment to organized religion goes back to my childhood when it seemed out of 5 children, I was dragged to Sunday School while my older brother and younger siblings got to stay home. I still remember waking up wishing I could just stay in bed like the others. There were many people in the church I enjoyed. Mary Kerber was an older woman I adored. She was my Sunday School teacher and the nicest person on the planet. One day, my dad had me stay and go to church with him… something happened and we walked from our St. Paul’s Evangelical Church (which still stands today and is home of the Keokuk Co Historical Society) 2 blocks west and 1 block north to the Presbyterian church. It was there I finally got my first wish granted… my siblings began coming to Sunday School and church. We had an incredible pastor there by the name of John McElroy. He was kind, sang and played guitar, but wasn’t flashy, just a wonderful human being. He performed the ceremony for my mom and stepdad while his wife played guitar along with Jerry Tolson on flute. I was 10 and he left to be with his wife in Australia. Since then, I encountered dozens of churches through my 1st wife’s church, our home church in our community, my 2nd wife’s church with 2 churches… Being a musician I played many services, was choir director at a church for 7 years and my final kind of regular attendance I played once a month at the church my 1st wife and I attended in our community even after our divorce.
    I don’t remember being angered by a sermon or words of a Pastor or guest speaker, although it may have happened. I do remember being bored, fascinated by some of the stories, warmed by some of the kindness and lessons, but overall I noticed what a business it seemed like. I have always liked comparing the order of the services of different churches, the rituals, and sometimes I find myself feeling like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day naming specific ticks or nuances I would see week to week. It was a place people needed and the church needed them. I never felt a deep connection to any church except that Presbyterian church from my childhood. I felt a disconnect from church. There were people who conducted themselves one way outside of the church and another way inside of the church. I could immediately sense jerks and assholes in the church as well as genuinely wonderful people. Even wonderful people make mistakes and did bad things, but they were easier to forgive.I still have some wonderful relationships because of the churches I attended, but none of these are my close friends, just people I enjoy saying hi and catching up with when I do see them.
    For lack of any kind of reason, I just drifted away from the church and organized religion. I’ve seen too much corruption, too many beliefs pushed on people, and I found myself feeling a resentment toward religions, especially in the U.S. As if they are the only way… I watched other religions and the people were just as passionate. So whose God or beliefs are the real thing? It wasn’t until recently that I became angry with organized religion getting heavily involved in Politics. I started noticing people who I never knew stepped foot in a church suddenly proclaiming religious beliefs and tying it to their political agenda. WTF is going on? Really? I looked at people who had been deeply religious forever and felt they were not being joined by these newcomers, but overshadowed and outshined. I think it is one reason I’ve been avoiding funerals and our attendance to holiday services (about our only attendances unless we go to a church wedding)has been sparse.
    I have come to the conclusion that I don’t attend because I don’t need it (church). I’m not sure I ever did, but I can’t deny it was a part of my life experience. I do occasionally get invitations to be a musician for a church, but I always turn them down unless it’s for a single event or for a friend. It’s like church needs me more than I need church. I don’t condemn those who attend regularly or are passionate about their church or religion, but I do have this slightly uncomfortable feeling when we are speaking and relief when I leave the conversation.
    The only puzzle I’ve never figured out that intrigues me is the soul. Each person feels this individual soul they have, you can sense it in animals, and it is uniquely you. All these feelings, character, personality, your conscious, etc…could be just generated by the brain but it still feels deeper than biology. The voice inside your head is… it’s you. From experience and your make up. When you die, there’s a part of me that believes your soul does not die. Then again, nobody knows for sure…not 100%.
    My lack of religion in my older years is not something I think would ever make the 5 or 6 year old me sad. In fact, I think that young child would say “…you finally get to rest on Sunday.”

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